Stress-Less Aging: The Art of Growing Old Mindfully

Inside every old person there is a young person wondering what happened.
Osho

When we are young getting older is all the rage. The infant strains to crawl, the toddler perfects walking, the child plays “dress up," the teenager fights for independence, the young adult reaches for a career. At some point in life, however, the constant struggle to grow succumbs to gravity. Then it happens, getting older no longer seems like a good idea.

Mark Twain’s famous comment that “age is an issue of mind over matter; if you don't mind, it doesn't matter” is central to the question “when does aging become a problem?” In the absence of a rite of passage like the time-honored tradition of getting knock-down drunk when one turns 21, we have no obvious bench mark for “old.” Black balloons at the 40th birthday party are a sarcastic reminder that one is over the hill, rather than a signpost to a new phase of life.

Taking Mark Twain’s lead, maybe old is in the mind. Maybe there are two processes going on at the same time: Aging, the gradual and inevitable wearing down of the physical form, and getting old, what one thinks about that process.

The great mystic, Osho, drew a finer distinction between aging and maturing. Aging, he pointed out, is something that the body does and it happens regardless of personal characteristics or what we think about it. Maturity is a function of one’s level of consciousness and is not guaranteed by nature. In his terms, maturity is a level of development that goes beyond growing old and not only gives meaning to this process, but actually transcends it.

This maturity is what I call aging mindfully. It not a case of the mind not caring about getting older, it is moving beyond the mind altogether. Mindfulness does not end the aging process, it brings about a new relationship with the flow of energy that we call getting old. Through mindfulness we free ourselves from our judgments and learn to participate fully in the process of growing up.

Aging mindfully is a journey and should not be embarked on without some basic planning. Yes, it would be super cool to throw caution to the wind and set sail for lands unknown minus the GPS, using whatever serendipitous jewels fell one’s way to chart the course. But it’s one thing to be daring and quite another to be dangerous. So let’s set some basic ground rules for the trip.

1. Have a mental health check up first. Before heading into the uncharted territory that is your psyche, it might not be a bad idea to make sure that you have the skills necessary to find your way back should you choose. This does not necessarily mean going to a therapist’s office to obtain a permission slip for traveling beyond your mind. But it may mean spending some time checking in with the old neuroses to make sure that none of them are going to spoil the trip by constantly asking to go to the bathroom, or whatever it is your particular neurotic tendencies do.
2. Bring along a totem or two. Many people never take a trip without some reminder of home or good luck charm. These can be quite soothing when in strange surroundings. Get some worry beads, a statue of the Buddha, a rosary, a dream catcher or whatever reminds you of the world beyond your senses.
3. Realize that this is not an educational trip. Think back to your childhood and all of the places your parents dragged you to because “you’ll learn something.” What stuck with you the most was probably how much you hated educational trips. The journey through mindful aging is for the fun of it. Stop being so serious.
4. Know that everything you need for the trip you already have. If you are one of those people who needs a U-Haul to simply have a weekend getaway, now is the time to learn to pack light.
5. Forget about time. Too many trips are spoiled by the NASA-like countdown to the end of one’s “free time.” You have an eternity to get this right and, in the end, there is no wrong way to go about it. There is, however, a long way but even that was meant for you.

All Stressed Out and Nowhere to Go

The world is ruled by letting things take their course. It cannot be ruled by interfering.
Tao Te Ching

The stress of going nowhere? It’s true, not only do we stress when things are not going right, we stress when we think they are not going at all.

Many of the stressors in life seem to be related to the feeling of being trapped in a situation in which there seems no means of escape without Houdini-like skills. For many of us this will bring up images of work. Others may picture a relationship that they can’t work out, or an emotional pattern that seems entrenched. Whatever the apparent cause, the fuel for the stress is the perception of stuckness.

In a drastic attempt to jump start life, we may resort to emotional CPR maneuvers. These often backfire and only feed the stress monster. The move to a new job, relationship or living arrangement only brings on further worries and the only movement experienced is that of vertigo as life begins to spin out of control.

If we can withstand our own inactivity and resist the urge to do something during our stuck moments, we may discover the art of wu-wei (pronounced woo way). While often thought of as non-action, wu-wei is best described as non-forcing, or going with the flow. Even if this flow has slowed to a trickle. Wu-wei teaches us to resist the urge to force ourselves against the natural tides of life and instead ride the waves. This process was summed up to Pooh, in The Tao of Pooh, as “putting square pegs into square holes and round pegs into round holes.” A quick look at our stress shows how often we are at odds with this basic wisdom.

In the end, we are a raging rivers of activity—from the constant whirring of the mind machine, to the eternal dance performed by every cell in the body. Stressing out over being stuck is to be taken in by an illusion created by time and measuring our selves against this artificial benchmark. So the next time you find life grinding in neutral gear, ask yourself, “Where did I think I was going in the first place?” “Where do I need to be so badly?” Resist the urge to down that super-charged, triple caffeinated, stay-up-all-night, energy drink and take a nap. Don’t worry, the world isn’t going anywhere without you.

Just Desserts: The Stress of Good Times

If people can dance a little more, sing a little more, be a little crazier, their energy will be flowing more and their problems will, by and by, disappear.
Osho

A quick glance at the standard stress tests that identify levels of inner tension reveals something interesting that people may not think twice about. Nestled amongst the obvious stress-producing events such as “loss of job,” “death of a loved one” and “major illness” are such things as “marital reconciliation,” “vacation,” and, I swear I’m not making this up, “outstanding personal achievement.” The conventional wisdom seems to be that not only do the things you try to avoid bring you stress but so do the very things that you work so hard to obtain.

If you examine the stressors associated with positive events in your life you will find mental demons lurking in the shadows. Take the example of getting married, which ranks only behind marital separation and death of a spouse on most stress scales. Is it possible that this union of two souls publicly vowing to love each other for all time could be the cause of so much tension? Stop smiling for a minute and consider the following: It is not the wedding itself that is the problem, it is the ever-worrying mind that spoils the show. Doubts about whether or not you have chosen the right life-partner aside, the stress of most weddings comes when the mind says “The flowers won’t arrive on time,” Uncle Jeb is going to get drunk, do his table dance and fall and break his other hip” or “What if the band plays only 80’s music?”

Look behind any of the positive stressors in your life and see if you do not catch a glimpse of the mind goblin that is secretly gnawing away at your enjoyment. Good stress is a result of the mind being an equal opportunity destroyer. With the mind, when it rains it pours and even when it’s sunny there is a chance that the harmful rays of the sun will leak through the depleting ozone layer and turn your tan into a third degree burn. Oh, the antics of the mind.

The notion that good times should come with a warning label is best summed up by the phrase “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” As a Food Channel junkie I can tell you with authority that whenever someone makes a cake, somebody eats it. As further proof, while I am writing this blog I am eating a hostess cupcake sandwiched between two slices of devil’s food cake. I have even gone as far as countering with my own sentiment, “If you're not going to eat the cake, don’t bother to bake it.” The author Richard Bach was more eloquent when he addressed this issue by saying “the best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it.”

As the poet Hafiz pointed out, we were meant to “dance in this sweet world,” to experience the depth of its joy. So forget about the fact that desserts spelled backward is stressed, put down that stress questionnaire and take a big bite out of life. Feel free to wash it down with extra slice of chocolate cake; we now know that chocolate is good for you.

e-Guru

Only the hand that erases can write the true thing.
Meister Eckhart

Many of people who profess that mindfulness is your natural state and that you need not take a step to discover it, go on to talk about their routine trips to India to visit their guru, their private meetings with the Dalai Lama and their experiences washing dishes in a secluded Buddhist monastery. Their travels can leave the average Joe or Jane wondering if higher levels of consciousness are available with their frequent flyer miles.

It is my understanding that one can experience the peace of mindfulness while mowing the grass, attending a PTA meeting or watching Dancing with the Stars. If this bliss is so within our grasp, why travel to such distant places to try to obtain it? Isn't it just as available to the person who rather than meeting with their spiritual guide, met with their stock broker who informed them that their 401k just dropped about 399k?

It was with these questions that I turned to the website Gurus R Us and found my own guru, the Venerable Swami Rama Ding Dong. Now I would find the truth behind the accessibility of mindfulness.

Me: Swami, I text you with a confused mind. Why do so many people seem to travel great distances in order to learn to be in the here-and-now?
Swami Rama Ding Dong: It is wise to ask this question. But you might have also asked why does the sun travel across the sky, why do the geese fly south or why does the river run?
Me: I’m not sure that helps.
Swami Rama Ding Dong: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to try the “let’s confuse him with more questions” technique in hopes that you would log off.
Me: Your honesty is refreshing. But I would still like to know if it is a mixed message to say that the kingdom of heaven is within and then send people out in search of roads to lead to that kingdom?
Swami Rama Ding Dong: Who sent you to search?
Me: You are still answering my questions with questions.
Swami Rama Ding Dong: Sorry, it’s a hard habit to break. Try this, remember the scene in The Wizard of Oz where Glinda tells Dorothy that all she had to do to get back to Kansas was to click her heals together because she had the way back all along?
Me: Yes, I remember. I always secretly hoped that Dorothy would read the riot act to Glinda as to why she had to suffer through flying monkeys, talking trees and all of that other acid trip stuff.
Swami Rama Ding Dong: Me too, but Glinda was asked why she hadn’t told Dorothy in the first place. Do you remember what the answer was?
Me: No, but give me a second and I will Google up the script…here it is:

Glinda
Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.
Tin Man
What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy
Well, I - I think that it - that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And that it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard, because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?
Glinda
That's all it is!
Scarecrow
But that's so easy! I should have thought of it for you.
Tin Man
I should have felt it in my heart.
Glinda
No. She had to find it out for herself. Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!

Swami Rama Ding Dong: Get it?
Me: So, the search is essential in order to find that which was never lost? Seems a little misleading.
Swami Rama Ding Dong: Terribly misleading, to be exact. But such is our fate.
Me: I’m not sure this is any comfort.
Swami Rama Ding Dong: Good, it is your discomfort that keeps you searching.
Me: But what about the finding part. When do I get to that point?
Swami Rama Ding Dong: To find that which was not lost?
Me: It feels like we are going around in circles.
Swami Rama Ding Dong: Exactly the point! Welcome home!
Me: This reminds me of the quote from Meister Eckhart who said “God is at home; it is we who have gone for a walk.”
Swami Rama Ding Dong: A wizard in his own right. I would love to chat more but the rules are that I can’t give away the whole show in one session. Keep in touch, lol.

So it was with a more precise confusion that I left my online guru to meditate on the following:
1. All travels lead to the same place, the eternal you.
2. If you think you need a spiritual guide along the way, then you do.
3. All methods you pick up along the way will have to be dropped in order to experience freedom from mind.
4. The essential search is for nothing, no thing, and to make it you have to become a nobody, no body.
5. Chatting with an online guru is much cheaper than airline tickets to India.