Gurwho?: Avoiding the Self-Help Trap

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Jung

"The unlived life is not worth examining" is an adage that has stuck with me since I first heard it in an introductory counseling class. Over the years I have come to realize that thinking about life should never take the place of actually living life. I say this with the humility of a recovering self-help book junkie.

The allure of self-help literature is great. The Western mechanistic model we have grown up with tells us that we are works in progress and that we need only study the right owner’s manual to have a happy and meaningful life. Once we discover the secret to the purpose driven life we can begin to attract all manner of material goods, live in bodies that never age with minds that never fail, and find that one special person with whom we can spend the rest of eternity. At least that is what I read in the book, Have It All: The Last Book You Will Ever Need to Read.

Ironically, the self-improvement movement may create more stress than it relieves, as it often leaves its followers feeling inadequate and just a few karmic cycles short of being enlightened. The underlying message seems to be "you will never be happy as you are now, so you had better start making some serious changes before time runs out." The destructive power of stress is directly related to our belief that the ego is the sum of our existence and that we only have a limited amount of time to whip it into shape. If that doesn’t get the cortisol pumping, I don’t know what will.

I want to suggest a gentler path through the often rocky terrain of self-acceptance. I propose that the self that most self-help literature is trying to fix is none other than the egoic self. This self, as the Buddha and many others have pointed out, is actually a mirage that doesn't exist outside of our heads. Alan Watts puts it very plainly when he said "the reason you can’t change you is that you don’t exist." The ego, as a mind-made entity, will always need work. We can always add something to this self; teach it a new skill, rid it of a bad habit or help it become the next American Idol. Our true self is complete and perfect already. It stands patiently in the shadow of the ego waiting for it to finish taking bows so that it might reveal what the show was all about in the first place.

When his followers asked how they could go on without him, the Buddha responded "be a lamp unto yourselves." The great mystic, Kabir, used to look out at his followers and exclaim, "To whom shall I preach?" because he saw the divine spark of God rather than sin in all their eyes. Jesus said "you are the light of the world." What happened? Who turned the lights out? The good news is that we don’t need to stumble through our lives in search of an itty-bitty book light for illumination. We simply need to pull up the shade of thought that filters out the light. After that, it is just a matter of stepping out into life. Oh, and bring a book, it can get boring at times. May I humbly recommend The Healing Power of Stress? It is the latest offering in my brand new category of "Non-Self Help."

I am Stress (And So Can You!)

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant... One motto on the show is, "Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth."
Stephen Colbert

America is under attack, people, and I don’t mean from terrorists, reality TV shows or bears. I’m talking about stress. We have become one nation under stress and it’s time to take the bull by the horns. Or, at the very least, recognize the fact that there is a bull loose in the china shop called the psyche and it’s about to knock over what you have spent your life stacking neatly on the shelves.

It’s time to look stress straight in the eye and, in the words of the president, "not blink." "What about the dangers?" you ask. "Stress kills and I have grown found of continuing my existence, so of course I want to run away from stress" you say, even before I can respond to the first question. Take a breath and let it out. Feel better? Don’t answer, it was rhetorical. Stress doesn’t kill, your reaction to stress kills you. More to the point, it is the constant flood of cortisol and other stress hormones that gradually begin to shrink the brain, eat away at a healthy heart and close off the otherwise open pathways for blood flow. Feel better?

The way out of this stress trap is not the fight or flight method. Save those reactions for the constant barrage of news stories about the stock market. The way out is to go through, to feel that stress is not separate and outside of yourself. To overcome stress one needs to come to terms with one’s stressiness™, a term I have trademarked. Know that you and stress are intimately connected. Without you there is no stress.

What I am proposing is no less than a stress revolution. It is time to throw off the chains of the Western mechanistic model of stress that sees stress as an invading force from the outside, and adopt the silky ropes of an Eastern model that sees stress as an organic process. We are going to have to admit that we grow stress inside of ourselves, some of us with the care of a master gardener, and then watch as the fruits of our labor spread across the landscape we call our lives. It’s time to wake up and realize tension is the stuff that life is made of. From the battleground that is your cellular system to the farthest reaches of the solar system where stars collide like an episode of Entertainment Tonight, the push and pull, rise and fall and yin and yang of existence are complimentary movements not contradictory ones.

You have stress in the same way that you have a temperature. It is only when this temperature moves away from its set point that we call it a fever. When body temperature rises too high, we suffer. So, too, with stress. So let’s drop the silly notion that we can be stress free. Let’s stop looking for "the secret" that will remove all tension from our lives. You can become a manifesting machine and use the law of attraction to bring all of the new cars, boats, and houses you want into your life, you will still have stress (in most cases even more as you try to figure out how to pay for all of these things). Let’s take an oath to move head-on into our stress and come to know it as ourselves. I know that when I am stressed, I am stress, and so can you. Join me, Nation, on this great adventure in search of the ultimate truth.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

The bow cannot always stand bent,
nor can human frailty subsist without
some lawful recreation.
Miguel De Cervantes

Recreation, literally to "restore or to make anew," at times loses much of its fun status and seems to create only more stress in the lives of those engaging in it. You know how this goes; the card game turns ugly when you accuse your neighbor of dealing from the bottom of the deck, bowling night becomes brawling night after you catch the opposing team’s top player juicing up in-between frames, and the fishing trip goes south after you snap your pole in half trying to reel in that trophy-size log. What has become of us? Have we allowed stress so deeply into our lives that even the things that are meant to bring us joy and relaxation make us feel tense and frustrated? If you find yourself increasingly opting out of "games night" in order to scrub the bathroom floors or clip the cat’s claws, then I suggest that the answer is yes, you have allowed stress to take over the game board, and as everyone knows, stress does not play fair.

According to Webster’s dictionary, the word fun means "hoax or to be duped." Think about this for a minute; fun is supposed to be a situation in which we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of in some way—it is a trick we play on ourselves. The archetypal image of this is the game of hide and seek, where getting lost is as much of a thrill as trying to find those who have hidden themselves. The problem arises, and destructive stress sneaks in, when we forget the agreement that we made to be duped and start taking ourselves too seriously. This is when winning becomes more important than just being part of the game and the competitive ego sees even Candyland as a place to exert its control over the world.

If you want to get into contact with the healing power of stress, you are going to have to learn to play again. I hope that the last line sounds strange to you. I hope that you have a visceral reaction to the thought that having fun is something to be learned, it means there is still hope. It is only because of years and years of mental conditioning, often in the guise of formal education, that you have lost the ability to be silly. Ironically, it is because the world sometimes makes us feel so foolish that we wear our "game face" to let the world know that we mean business.

It is a sure sign of the stressed times we live in that we can no longer simply run through the fields unless there are clearly defined lanes, rules to keep cheaters at bay, and ribbons when it is over. Think about your last vacation (from the latin word vacatio, meaning freedom). How free did you feel? Were you taking in your surroundings in mindful peace, or busily trying to pack as much into twenty-four hours as humanly possible? When it was over did you return to work feeling rested and relaxed, or was your fading tan the only proof that you had been out of office? Stop doing this to yourself. Stop resisting your natural tendency to have fun and to be fun. It might literally be killing you.
Whenever you get the chance, watch children at play. Resist the urge to referee and simply observe how children go about their nonbusiness. Remember that this was you once, and is still you, at your deepest level. Restore your sense of awe for the world and your part in it. Stress cannot live in you when you are filled with wonder.

Here is a personal stress strategy you can use to put some fun back into your life. The next time you head out into the world, whether it is a trip to the supermarket, your in-laws or a dinner party, take along your party hat. Try your best to view whatever it is you are doing as an actual game. Remember that all games have rules, and that the outcome is up for grabs. This is where the fun comes in; the not knowing how it will turn out. Make it a point to fully engage in the hoax-like quality of the game that you are playing and realize that everyone you encounter, even the person who steals your prime parking spot at the Quickie Mart, is also playing the game. Marvel at how well some play and how others seem to lack a sense of enthusiasm. Notice those who try to bend or even break the rules of the game in their favour. Know that this is part of the game too. Be weary of your mind showing up as the supervising adult trying to tell you that play time is over and you have to get serious again. The mind is afraid of play because it knows that when you really get into it you lose yourself, and that it the death knell for the ego. Play these games as often as you like as see if you don’t re-create your stress.

Now or Never

Come out of the circle of time
And into the circle of love
Rumi

If you look back on the truly joyous moments of your life you will find that most happened in the absence of an awareness of time. People describe ecstatic experiences as "I was totally lost in the moment," "time stood still," or "it seemed to last forever." It is no mere coincidence that joy exists in a timeless state; it is the release from time that allows joy to be. You cannot experience true happiness while you are torn between past and future, between this moment and the next.

The reason that it so hard to give up our dependence on time is that we have placed all of our bets on time. We put in so much time so that we may later use our time more wisely and live out our remaining time in peace. Throughout our lives we constantly feel the pressure of the past at our backs while the future seems to be heading toward us with ever increasing speed. There we sit, a tiny grape in the vice of what was and what will be, knowing that the big squish is coming and there is nothing we can do but hope that we will have a better life as grape juice, or even better, wine.

To break free of time’s grip does not require Herculean strength. To the contrary, it requires the simple act of letting go. When you drop the mind conditioning that has you rocketing back and forth between the past and future, you will find the stillness of absolute presence. By accepting the present as it is you will discover the wisdom in the Taoist saying "if you want to have a stress- free life, wish for things to be the way they are rather than the way you want them to be." The circle of time is the not-so-merry-go-round that we often ride day after day. If this has left you feeling a little nauseous, feel free to jump off. The only thing that you will miss is the sense of vertigo that comes from a life spinning out of control.

If the time vice has you tightly clamped at the moment you are probably thinking "where I am going to find the time to practice this present moment stuff?" I am going to ask that you put down that day planner and slowly back away from the belief that there are not enough hours in the day. Understand, deeply, that there is no such thing as work time, free time, down time or the right time. Begin to appreciate that life is just one big happening that you have sliced into what you thought were more manageable pieces. Stop worrying about past events, they are nothing more than antique stores of the mind. Put an end to obsessing about how your future will turn out. Settle into the present moment.

Here are a few tips for breaking free from your role as time traveler:

1.Hang out with animals, they are Zen masters of present moment awareness.
2.Focus on your breathing. You can only breathe in the now. Enjoy a breath of the present moment.
3. Take breaks from time. See what happens when you respond to your body’s
rhythms rather than the unnatural ticking and clicking of the multiple time pieces that surround you.
4. See if you can stop retelling "poor me" stories, they simply give your ego a new place to hang its old hat.
5. Release your need to control your future. Your ego has about as much influence over the future as your child has over your car as he sits next to you with the little plastic steering wheel in his hands.
6. Read any of Thich Nhat Hanh’s wonderful books, or The Healing Power of Stress by that savvy author, Mike Verano.