Personal Stress Strategies and Techniques: Defy Thyself

It is a true miracle when a man finally sees himself as his only opposition.
Vernon Howard


One of the common diagnoses given to adolescents these days is Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—the bible for therapists—ODD is described as “An ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures.” These kids have elevated defiance into an art form. If do not have to parent these children, there is something almost endearing about their refusal to follow society’s norms.

Think back to your teenage years. Do you remember how fantastic it felt to rebel against authority now and then? Fast forward to your current life situation and ask yourself when was the last time you broke out of habitual patterns of behaving and thinking. Realize that much of your stress is tied up in “the same old routine.” This is neatly summed up by the AA phrase, “Do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you always got.” Don’t be too hard on yourself about this complacency. The refusal to try something new is the result of years of conditioning and pure exhaustion.

To break free, I suggest that you try a little ODD yourself. Consciously choose to buck the trends and set your own course, as in, “No I will not have fries with that, give me a side of another burger!” See how much fun it can be when you run contrary to popular opinion and “do your own thing” again. Make this as small or large as you feel comfortable with. The point that you're making is not that you can buck society’s conventions, but that you can disrupt your own. What you are rebelling against is the mind conditioning that forces you to see the world in the same way over and over again. To defy (literally "to renounce faith in") your thoughts this way is to break out of the prison of the false self and experience, again, the freedom that is your true self.

Where Did I Go?

Today I want to introduce you to the first of many Personal Stress Strategies and Techniques (PSST). These exercises will help you to realize the healing power of stress in your everyday life. Some will be practical methods that you can use whenever the mood strikes. Others will be more meditative in nature. A few will take the form of Zen koans, taking you beyond the mind completely.

We will start with the ancient trick of learning to make yourself disappear. Don’t worry, you will be back in time to catch Dancing with the Stars.

To begin, get a sheet of paper and find a quiet spot. In the absence of a quiet spot, pick one where the noises are familiar enough that you can ignore them without your blood pressure tacking into the near-stroke range. On the paper write down 4 or 5 things that are currently stressing you out. Be brutally honest about this. If you are still seeing red over the idea of a national health care plan, put that down. If the thought of Paula Abdul not returning to American Idol is keeping you up at night, on the list it goes. Once you have your list, turn the paper over.

On the top of this page write the words “I am.” Under this statement, list everything you can think of that describes who you are. Start with the obvious, age, gender, star sign, work role, etc. But don’t stop there. Really dig down into the depths and write all the things that make up the you you think yourself to be.

When the list is complete do the following:

1. Cross out anything that describes your physical make up, i.e. tall, short, svelte, and the like. Your body changes constantly so that cannot be who you really are.

2. Cross out anything that describes you in relation to others, i.e. brother, mother, father, Secret Santa. This requires the presence of another so it cannot be who you really are.

3. Cross out anything that is a subjective description of yourself, i.e. loving, caring, heart the size of the moon. These are nice, but be honest, you made them up so they cannot be who you really are.

4. Cross out anything that describes something of which you have no direct experience, i.e. one with the universe, the center of all existence. Nice try, but unless you live on that plane of reality you are just hoping.

5. Finally, cross out anything else that may be on your list since it simply means that you were excessively obsessive about this exercise and put down something that I could not imagine.

Now, look at your list and all of the cross outs and ask yourself this important question, “Who just completed this exercise?” Then, with your mind still stunned, turn the page over to your list of stressors and ask yourself this question, “Who is it that is stressed about all of these things?”