Dharma Dawg

The true guru will never humiliate you, nor will he estrange you from yourself. He knows you need nothing, not even him, and is never tired of reminding you.
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Faithful readers of this blog know that in times of inner turmoil I turn to my online guru the venerable Swami Rama Ding Dong. After discovering him on the Gurus R Us webpage, I have routinely sought his sage advice. It seems that I am no longer alone in my admiration for the Swami. Demand is so high that he no longer offers private audiences. So it was that I found myself being redirected to the Cyber Ashram site to join in a chat room where other like-minded seekers took turns asking questions of the wise master. Here is the transcript of my last session. (To keep track of me you need to know that I go by the screen name Dharma Dawg.)

Host: Thanks for joining Swami Rama Ding Dong in the Cyber Ashram. Please keep your questions brief and do not expect long answers. The Swami’s arthritis has him in a bad way.
Taoboy: Swami Rama Ding Dong, I find that I am more confused than when we last chatted. How do I know that the path I have taken is the right one? It so often feels wrong.
Swami: What, not even a “Hey how are you?” Is this always going to be about you and your endless search?
Taoboy: I’m sorry, you’re right. How are you?
Swami: I am not a self, so your question has no meaning.
Zenhead: Swami, how should we meditate?
Swami: You might as well ask “How should I circulate my blood?” or “How do I digest my food?”
Zenhead: Oh, ok. How should I circulate my blood and digest my food?
Swami: You’re new to this stuff aren’t you? The meditative state is your true state. There is nothing you need to do to reach the true state but drop the false.
BlisslessinSeattle: Swami, why do we suffer?
Swami: I think it has a lot to do with cable TV. I mean how many more reality shows do we need? (lol) Seriously, you suffer because you take yourself to be the body, which is subject to the law of opposites. Good, bad, healthy, unhealthy, rich, poor, Republican and Democrat. Give up this idea and be one.
ReincarNate: Swami, I’ve been practicing crystal based, past life, non-self anti-behavioral therapy. I have discovered that in a previous incarnation I insulted the Buddha by suggesting he shed a few pounds. Since then, my lives have been full of misery. How do I break free from this karmic trap?
Swami: I’m gonna need you to step away from the incense and take a deep breath of reality, new age boy. Find out who you are in this life and the question of past lives will be dropped.
DharmaDawg: Why am I such a worrier?
Swami: Worry is not your nature, peace is your nature. It’s because you take yourself to be your thoughts that you believe yourself to be a worrier.
DharmaDawg: Ok, I get the whole, “I’m not my thoughts” thing, but thoughts still happen and many of them are troubling. How can simply telling myself that these thoughts are not me make them stop?
Swami: Why do you want them to stop?
DharmaDawg: Because they are worrisome.
Swami: Are they?
DharmaDawg: Was that rhetorical?
Swami: Was it?
DharmaDawg: Cut it out.
Swami: Sorry, just trying to lighten the moment. Go into this idea of worry. Who is it that worries? Isn’t it still the worrier that worries? What would you expect from a worrying mind?
DharmaDawg: Ok, worry is an idea and worrying about worry is just another idea, but how do you make it stop?
Swami: Forget making it stop, just stop clinging, that is all. Your very effort to control it gives it power.
Buddhababe: Swami, could you upload a picture of yourself so that we might meditate on your image?
Swami: I don’t normally do this, as I am beyond the needs of the ego, but you seem like a good crowd. Here it is …

Buddhababe: I knew it.
Taoboy: You are my God!
ReincarNate: I loved you in O Brother Where Art Thou.
Zenhead: Any plans for Oceans 14?
DharmaDawg: You’re a sick bastard, Swami Rama Ding Dong.