Forget Me Not: The Stress of Memory

The true art of memory is the art of attention.
Samuel Johnson

Neitzsche wrote "many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good." The American writer Elbert Hubbard said "a retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness." Then there is yours truly who only this morning said "Honey, I can’t remember where I left my keys."

When it comes to destructive stress, memory often serves as both the gasoline and the match. It does not take long for the glowing embers of "what used to be" to flare to a three-alarm inferno of "my best days are behind me." As a therapist, I have watched in amazement as clients struggled to put out these fires while diligently refueling them at the same time. As a recovering anxiety junkie, I have become quite familiar with this rekindling process and have spent many sleepless nights trying to roast marshmallows over the coals of endless worries.

Memory and stress are intertwined because the mind is a huge filing cabinet that stores away every experience we have. Not only does it download the sights, sounds and smells of all that happens in our lives, it also records the emotional reactions we have while events are taking place. All of this is extremely useful in managing our daily lives. Because of this vast storehouse of information we are able to move through life without having to relearn everything from scratch. This is very helpful when it comes to remembering your spouse’s name, remembering your spouse’s birthday, remembering the anniversary of when you and your spouse got married, remembering to pick up that item at the store that your spouse told you to pick up on your way home, and so on.

Memories become a problem when they show up uninvited and then get unruly when asked to leave. Even something as benign as reliving the "glory days" becomes problematic when it takes the place of living in the present moment. Often, psychotherapy will actually reinforce this avoidance of the now by suggesting that we can only understand where we are if we know where we came from. While it may be true that the past is the key to the future, this key only works on the door of the present moment.

"Die to the past everyday, you don’t need it" exhorts Eckhart Tolle. "What?"say the rest of us, "who would I be without the past? I had some good times back then, why would I want to let that go?" The mindful response is that it is the story of yourself that is causing you so much pain, so much stress. Our minds have become so habituated that we barely ever catch a glimpse of what is really going on around us. The world comes at us in all of its glory and we are so busy comparing it to previous experiences that we miss the awe and are left feeling awful.

The art of memory is to use it when needed and not be used by it when not needed. An occasional junket to the past to retrieve a mind tidbit or two is not the problem. It is when we book the holiday cruise to "any time other than now" that we risk getting trapped on Fantasy Island, which ends up feeling like Gilligan’s Island only without the cool coconut shell telephones.

Take some time over the next few days and actively remember to forget something from your past. Or, you can try forgetting to remember something from your past. Either way, you end up at the very place you began when you headed out on the mind trip that is life. Oh, and if you are concerned that you won’t remember the way back, don’t worry, when it comes to your true journey all roads lead to home.